2012 aka The Year of You Tried

Apparently it's traditional to post a round up of what I did and did not get up to this year. Some people even post how many words they wrote last year. I can't even keep track of how many wips I've got at this point. God only knows how many words I've written and much more importantly, how many I've deleted.

So here goes.

January: Finished my first TV spec and got a brilliant idea for a horror movie. I decided that it couldn't be that hard to bang out a few feature specs 'cause I was so fabulous and talented and stuff.

February: Discovered I was delusional, it really was that hard to write a feature. I sent tv spec off to Scriptapalooza with visions of huge contracts and deals dancing in my eyes. Impressed myself with my ability to daydream.

March: Had grammar induced breakdown. If the comma was an actual thing I would stab it.

April: Started a rom com called 'Chunks' because what's a spec pile without a comedic romp about two people that don't really like each other, and yet somehow they're married? I learned the hard way about minor characters becoming more interesting than the major characters. Turns out that could very well be the death knoll of a spec. Still hadn't finished it.

Entered 50 Kisses contest with the aforementioned dreams of money and glory.

May: Got my very first script report on my horror from a for-real, professional script reader. Just recently I went and reread it to cheer myself up because the script, currently on draft 6, is SO MUCH BETTER now than it was at that point, a mere seven months ago.

Discovered Dead Roots, a zombie comic book, and pitched three or four ideas. Was soundly rejected, and then I saw a typo in the original email to the editor. Had typo induced breakdown. It was a nice change from the grammar induced breakdown.

June: Pitched more ideas for Dead Roots 'cause he never actually told me to stop emailing. In a bout of desperation, I shamelessly lifted the 'zombies appear' moment from Horror Script and he actually liked it.

Then rejected it.

July: Got feedback from the contest I sent the TV spec to. They liked it. Kind of. They explained why they didn't like it but I didn't understand their point until I was listening to Cabin Pressure. Received a revelation about tying plot lines together that rivaled Moses coming down the mountain, or Douglas finding out how much the Captain of an airdot actually gets paid when he works for Caroline.

50 Kisses announced they'd accept a second entry. Composed perfect do-over, complete with leaving off 'FADE IN' from the first line. Had another typo induced breakdown when I realized.

August: 1800 odd people entered 50 Kisses, but only 50 could win. I was not one of them, BUT both my entries made the long list, which makes me one of 16 people that could say that, out of 1800. 

So there's that. I hereby award myself an extra shiny 'You Tried' sticker.

September: Lost Scriptapalooze with my tv spec. Added another sticker to the wall.

Was 1 of 13 to be allowed in the Dead Roots Contest. I was lucky number 13, which I thought was funny. Lost by quite a wide margin in the end, but I still scratched out third place. My 'You Tried' collection is growing.

October: I've finished the first draft of a drama titled 'Keeper'. It's so bad it smells. I decided to let it compost on the hard drive for a while before I try editing it into something that isn't so eye searing bad, but honestly, really awesome mushrooms do grow in crap. I still have hope for it.

November: Found out about a poetry contest run by Brit Writers. I've never written poetry in my life, but I still managed to rhyme 'scratch' with 'snatch', revealing my natural talents and innate charm. 

I was completely devastated, but not entirely unsurprised, when I didn't win.

December: Some months back I sent a short story off for an anthology and promptly forgot about it.

It was rejected.

BUT

The editor liked it, it just didn't fit into the tone of the anthology so she told me to make it into a novella and resubmit. She pays by the word, told me to add more words, and then she wants it back.

So I suppose I ended 2012 on a high note? I don't know.

Next year Horror will finally settle on a title and be sent out into the world and Keeper will probably be joining Horror in a quest to bring me fame and fortune. Chunks may or may not be binned. Short story turned Novella will be done and hopefully published somewhere. 

A half dozen other things are in various stages of being written but there's not much to say about any of them at this point. They're not ripe yet. 

My resolution for 2013 is to sell some writing and finally sort out the comma. Or murder it. 

Whichever is easier. 

I suspect assassination on punctuation might just be the winner.

Does poetry have to rhyme?

Houston, we are a no go for the poetry contest, abort, abort, abort....

But now I can post my entry here. It's not too horrible, but I am rather biased.

The rules: 100 words or less and it had to contain the phrase 'Brit Writers'. The theme was 'The changing faces of publishing and our world of words'. I'm not even sure what that means.

I think I'll call it... 'I Tried'.


I pour my soul out on the page,
I write my words in a passionate rage.
But rejection is my daily bread,
The editor doesn't care how much I've bled.


Self-publish, e-publish or the more traditional way,
In the end does it really matter? I just can't say.
I send off and send out and apply and appeal,
All the while seeking that one fateful deal.


I rewrite and redraft and start again from scratch,
It's one simple chance I'm desperate to snatch.
Brit Writers everywhere, stay strong and persevere,
There will be a sale somewhere, I promise, never fear.


I am extremely pleased about the fact I rhymed 'scratch' with 'snatch'.

What? C'mon, that's funny. I have to amuse myself somehow.

Stay away from the Waiting Place!

I clawed my way up to 3rd in Dead Roots. Not nearly good enough to be published, but it's the closest to winning I've ever been. Congratulations to the winner, David Scullion! I got beat fair and square, it's still gonna be an awesome book even without my own little brilliant contribution. Thank you everyone that voted for me.

Which leads me to add up my recent triumphs and realize... I hadn't got any. I've either been told no or heard radio silence for all my submissions lately. I'm taking the shotgun approach to a writing career and firing off something for everything I can find. Eventually something will be the right fit, but until then it's a bit of a downer.

That got me thinking about healthy ways to deal with disappointment. I know plenty of unhealthy ways, but living at the Chinese buffet is not something my waistline or my wallet can handle long term. 

Getting drunk is right out. That's a rabbit hole I want to stay far away from. Drinking when I'm down in the dumps, I mean. I've got no objection to alcohol otherwise. Besides, I'm taking up home-brewing. I'm starting my first batch of cider in a few days and it will be the most magnificent apple cider EVER. So say we all.

I have a few different ways to bounce back from disappointment. Because of the shotgun approach, I always have things out. I'm waiting to hear back on three other submissions, a film treatment for amazon, a short story, and a poem. 

I'm about twenty pages away from finishing my next script, a drama thing tentatively titled 'Keeper', and about to embark on rewrite number... 6? 7? 9 gazillion? on Untitled Horror script of horribleness that's currently trying to pull itself into two separate movies like demented conjoined twins.

They're right. It isn't the writing that's the hard part, it's the mutherduckin' rewriting. 

Also it's about to get cold and rainy all the time and that always cheers me up. I loath the summertime. Nature's too damn cheerful for my taste. The sun, IT BURNS.

The other way I drag myself back up to an optimistic place is to consult the good Doctor for a motivational pick-me-up.

I can hear you say it. "What doctor? Doctor Who?" <-- you see what I did thar? I crack myself up. 

No, not this time. Doctor Seuss. He keeps me from wallowing in the waiting place. 

I have places to go.

Me. The Zombie Queen.

Or I could be. I'm a finalist in Dead Roots, the zombie comic book anthology I blogged about before. Go look at their contributors' page. My story is in the running to be published in a book that contains all my favorite sci-fi writers! How cool is that? Seriously? It's the closest to 'cool' I've ever been in my life.

James Moran, the reason I refuse to swim someplace I can't see the bottom because what if there's bear traps? Jason Arnopp, whose book got me over my deep abiding fear of reporters. I could just go on and on and on but there's a catch. A HUGE SCREAMING CATCH.

The winner is determined by votes. Facebook 'Likes' to be precise. Right now 1st, 2nd, and 3rd are all within ten votes of each other. I'm bouncing between '1st = published' and '2nd = sucks to be you'. There is no consolation prize. It's win or nothing.

I need all the help I can get, so if you're on Facebook go ahead and 'like' my story, and please share it with all your friends! You can even friend me if you want, though I warn you I only use facebook to yak about movies, tv shows, comics, and roller derby. 

It's come down to a social networking battle and like the zombocalypse, I'm determined to survive.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=366852903394758&set=a.366852350061480.87029.122886321124752&type=1&theater

50 Kisses: Results

I did really well. I didn't win, but both my entries made the long list which makes me one of about 16 (I believe) out of 1800 + that managed to get that far with both entries. It's only the second contest I've ever entered so I'm bouncing with excitement I did so well so early on.

You can read both my scripts below. Or if you happen to be a film maker, I'd be delighted if you made either one of them into a film short.

Dirty Riffs & Neon Lights: 14 year old Robin will do almost anything to impress a girl.

Beyond The Sea: For some couples, Valentine's day is just another day.

Now I'm off to change my profile page to '50 Kisses long list winner - 2012' because I'm so totally counting this as a credit. It's a thing and I did it and other people said so, so it counts. So there.

Until next time :)

EDIT: 8/15 My scripts are LIVE on the 50 Kisses website and they're eligible to be on the DVD under special features if you'd like to check it out. Dirty Riffs and Beyond the Sea. 

A+B+C=Profit

I got my script coverage back from Scriptapalooza last week. It was more positive than I expected which was a pleasant surprise, and I learned something I didn't know I didn't know so it was worth the money to get a report back. The main comments referred to a concept I thought I understood, but clearly didn't. Other people have told me the same thing and I obediently shook my head, 'Yuppers, I get it,' whilst missing the point entirely.

But I thought I understood so that has to count for... exactly nothing, actually.

Their main (and nearly only, yay me:) criticism about my entry revolved around the various story lines. My A story was exciting and interesting. My B story was interesting but didn't have much to do with the A story beyond appearing and taking up pages. The C story was interesting but petered away into nothing like a fart in the wind. A winning script, that does not make.

I've read and been told to tie the three separate story lines together. I thought I did, but just being set in the same universe with the same characters in the same script isn't enough. Just being present isn't enough. The separate story lines have to feed back into each other like a braid.

I pondered this and pondered this and pondered this, still not quite grasping the concept. While I was pondering, I discovered to my eternal delight that BBC4 isn't region locked. At first glance, this has nothing to do with anything except to be an additional way to mess around on the web, but at second glance, this completely revolutionized everything.

Cabin Pressure --> Johannesburg --> Play

If you've never listened to Cabin Pressure, stop what you're doing, download it and come back. I'll wait. It's brilliant, hysterically funny, and I think I'm in love. It's my new favorite show.

So I'm thinking deep thoughts about my script report and the various failures of the story lines to relate back to each other while I listened. I laughed my way through the episode then instantly started it over because my mind was making some interesting connections amid all the giggles. I paid much more attention to how the episode unfolded the second/third/fourth time listening.

Did I mention it's brilliant?

In the A story: Caroline is annoyed at Martin and Douglas and makes them cut two thousand pounds off their budget for the trip. If they succeed they can split the money. If they fail and come in a single penny over, they have to pay her a grand apiece. She thinks it's a fantastic idea. They're not so sure, but with a thousand pounds on the line, they're willing to go along with her. Also she doesn't actually give them any choice.

To save on fuel, Douglas shakes the plane down and tosses anything he deems unnecessary weight, including the coffee pot. Later during the B story Douglas tells Arthur to fill a wine bottle with water and set it on the edge of the engine to heat up so they can make coffee later. Incidentally, that sets up the C story. It all just builds on itself.

In the B story: A warning light comes on, leading to an emergency landing to get it fixed. Martin and Arthur go on an away mission to retrieve a mechanic and suffers assorted hijinks, including getting their borrowed baggage truck stuck under a bridge while Douglas is still focused on the A story of trying to come in under budget. When presented with the bill for their emergency stop, he has to do something to knock twenty bucks off so the airfield manager floats the idea of Douglas washing his car.

It's the same car the airfield manager refused to let them borrow at the beginning of the B story which led to Martin and Arthur dinking around Spain in a baggage truck. Determined not to pay Caroline a thousand pounds, Douglas whines about it, agrees, and parks the car behind the plane to wash it with some minor heckling from Caroline. He needs the money, okay?

Martin and Arthur return with a mechanic, he fixes their problem by thumping the instrument panel, revealing that the plane wasn't actually broken at all, just the little yellow warning light.

They're going to take off before the airfield closes at five, they're under budget, they won't owe Caroline any money. Martin does a quick jog around the plane for his preflight inspection and they get ready to leave. For once everything goes right. Or does it?

The tower calls them in a panic. They've fired a missile. Directly into the car Douglas washed to reduce the bill (A story). It's still parked behind the plane they thought was broken (B story). The missile is the wine bottle in the engine Arthur forgot about (C story).

Presumably they don't finish the trip under budget.

There you have it. A story, B story, and C story. They cross and crisscross each other.

Go listen to the episode if you haven't already. You can pick out the places the different story lines intersect. I feel like I've had a writer breakthrough. When people say tie the different story lines together they honestly mean tie them together. They're not being cryptic. It's not enough to be happening at the same time or be in the same script, they have to weave in and out like a braid.

I'm going back and doing another page 1 rewrite of horror script so it's ready to go the very instant 'Girls on Film' reopens. Right now horror script is another example of A, B, and C not coming anywhere near each other, let alone interlacing. Now I can fix that.

Thank god for Cabin Pressure.

FADE IN:

 FADE IN: 

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. A whole six weeks counts as forever on the internet. 

About eight decades ago (in internet years) I entered 50 kisses and blogged about it. From Adrian Mead's fantastic book, 'Making it as a screenwriter' I learned that I needed to get my act together before the contest happened. It makes sense, if you think about it, which I absolutely didn't until he pointed it out using small and easily understood words, but it takes time to write and polish a story. Slinging it in right before the deadline leads to sloppy mistakes which I am prone to commit.

I also decided to enter early before the readers were bored and burned out on reading the same type of thing over and over. That way (hopefully) my entry goes in the 'consider' pile before the standards for the 'consider' pile get too terribly high. I know, devious right? I'm a regular Bond villain, cackling my evil plans to the entire interwebz.

Two or three weeks before the deadline they posted a very helpful blog post about how the contest was going and what they saw repeated over and over among their entries. You'd think with a theme as vague as 'Valentines Day' and the only requirement is it must to contain a kiss, it would difficult to find too terribly many similarities beyond those two points. Three words, really.

Hahaha, wrong. I managed to tick off almost every box on the list. Oomph, right in the ego!

My creative and original work of love, romance, and passion was in fact trite, overdone, and boring.

Grumble grumble grumble. I spent the obligatory amount of time moaning about it on twitter (two humorous tweets, for those keeping score at home. I may have been was am pathetic) and moved on, convinced I didn't have the faintest fart of a chance for a writing credit and that ipad. I've never even touched an ipad. I certainly won't be fondling the one they're giving away. Maybe next year.

The ability to move on is important for a writer. Kinda like being used to being fired all the time. I've spent years perfecting that talent, I'm already used to being fired all the time from my day job so this is second nature to me. It's the all important getting professional credits and eventually getting paid to write something that I'm still working on.

Y'know, that really didn't come out right. I'm honestly a decent farrier. I think so anyway. But it is true, there's only two kinds of farriers in the world. Those that have been fired and those that are gonna be fired...  

Anyway, back to my point...

A week before the deadline, they tweeted that they'd decided to accept a SECOND script. TWO. It's Christmas come early! I get a free do-over! I went right back to the 'we've seen it' list and decided to go in the direct opposite direction. But probably so did everyone else so I went opposite from the opposite and just to thoroughly confuse myself, reversed it again! Then I bent it at a ninety and took the corner on two wheels just to be absolutely sure I wasn't followed... 

It might suck but there's not another one like it. I hope. But there probably actually is. Without my script's fatal flaw, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Oh yes, this story has a fatal flaw. It's almost a greek tragedy. 

My new story told a riveting tale of manliness, friendship, and devotion, barely contained in a mere two pages. My kryptonite is typos and I know this so I proofread that sucker 591 times, then got a friend to go over it also. No typos. Not one single one escaped us. We were proofread goddesses. Bow before our magnificence and wallow in our glory, you puny mortals!

*ahem*

In fear of inconvenient server crashes, random internet failure, or miscalculated time zone differences, I submitted it a full two days early. It was perfect. You know what happens whenever I think I did something right? You guessed it. I sent it off, got the confirmation email back immediately (which is a fantastic feature) and then started the Closing of the Tabs. I broke my own solemn vow and looked at it again before I closed the file.

I didn't start with FADE IN:

Screenwriter 101. ALWAYS START WITH FADE IN:

Did I remember this? No, and my friend writes novels so she certainly wouldn't catch the fact that I skipped straight to the first scene heading. INT - THE CANTINA OF BROKEN DREAMS - DAY

*facepalm*

*headdesk*

*facepalm*

Will their crack team of readers be so used to seeing and skipping over FADE IN: that they don't notice it's missing? Will they be so captivated by the story they don't care? Do they read this blog? I'm confident the answer to last one that is hysterical laughter and a resounding no.

But only time will tell.